A student once asked me how best to discuss her mental health with teachers. She was worried that “it would look like [she] was making excuses”. I asked her if she had done so yet. She had. At the end of class, she approached her teacher and said she had ADHD, which made it hard to get motivated. The teacher, completing another task and typing away at the time, responded without looking up: “uh-huh. OK. I’ll put a note here. Not feeling motivated”. The student left feeling dismissed and discouraged - and hadn’t told any other staff since.
Notwithstanding the fact this teacher probably didn't hear the part about ADHD, this was a missed opportunity. Moreover, it goes beyond the duty-of-care to pass on information. 75% of teachers say that teacher-student relationships are the most crucial factor for effective learning and teaching, while 17% say relationships have gotten worse (The Educator, 2025). Meanwhile, 69% of parents indicating they would consider changing schools if their child was unhappy or not well looked after compared to just 20% who would do the same based on a school’s academic reputation (Henebery, 2023), and 80% reported their needs were not being “completely met” (The Educator, 2024).
With that in mind, below are some simple tips for responding to students in distress – remember the acronym “LOVES”.
Listen
The most under-rated skill on the planet is active listening, yet most of us listen to respond rather than understand. Aim to get as clear a picture as possible - if only a few words are shared, such as “I’m struggling to focus”, encourage them to elaborate with “go on” or “tell me more”. If a lot is shared, you can make sure you’ve got the full picture and allow them to feel heard by repeating back what they said.
Observe
Active listening involves paying full attention with both the mind and the body – eye contact, open body language, facing the person, and noticing what is happening in their body language as well. Remember, a screen is a barrier. Put the phone away (turning it upside-down on the table doesn’t count), and pay full attention.
Value
8 billion people in the world, and yet they came to you. Value the fact that what they shared may have been difficult and confronting – you might even be the only one who knows. A simple “thanks for telling me”, or “I appreciate your courage” can go a long way.
Empathise
Speak to the emotion before the solution. This is the most important step, yet the one most of us will skip. When a person is in distress, the rational part of the brain is in the passenger seat and the emotional part is running the show. We need to speak to the latter before the former comes online. The good news? It’s easier than you think.
Simply labelling the emotion – what therapists call “name it to tame it” – moves the brain activity from the limbic system (the emotional centre) to the prefrontal cortex (the rational part). For example, “that sounds frustrating”, “I can imagine that would be stressful”, or if you have no idea what they are feeling, simply ask them.
Support
When we see someone struggling, our instinct is to get in and solve. But the best support isn't solving - it's asking. “How can I help?” or “what do you need?”, questions like these empower rather than “fix”. If you really feel the urge to offer a suggestion, remember the magic word is “wonder”. For example, “I wonder if (insert well-intentioned idea) could help”. Often you’ll find you don’t need this step – most people just need to be seen and heard and understood.
Does this mean every interaction needs to be a full-blown therapy session? No. In fact, the first two you’re mostly just listening and observing, so all you need to remember are the last three – gratitude (value), feeling (empathise) and need (support). "Thanks for sharing that, what are you feeling, what do you need?".
Conclusion
In conclusion, it may seem like the irresistible force of parent expectations and student wellbeing needs are meeting an immoveable mountain of teacher workload. But you don’t need all the answers - with a few tweaks in communication, we can change how students feel in our presence, and how they feel about school.
References
- 1. Henebery, B. (2023). For parents, school choice comes down to student wellbeing - study. The Educator. 10th August. https://www.theeducatoronline.com/k12/news/for-parents-school-choice-comes-down-to-student-wellbeing--study/283018
- 2. The Educator. (2024). New research on what parents and carers worry about. 29th April. https://www.theeducatoronline.com/k12/news/new-research-on-what-parents-and-carers-worry-about/284571
- 3. The Educator. (2025). Strained relationships harming student outcomes – survey. 14th April. https://www.theeducatoronline.com/k12/news/strained-relationships-harming-student-outcomes--survey/286951
Written by Nick Kenny. First published on LinkedIn.