Have you ever tried to let go of an unhelpful habit, you manage a few days or weeks, and before you know it you’re back at it again? Then blaming yourself for not having enough “willpower”? I’ve found that the development of new and healthy habits is a challenge, but I’ve also found a few techniques that can dramatically increase the chances of success.
Finding healthier replacements for destructive behaviours is nothing revolutionary in self-help. What we know is that if we try to let go of something that has been a part of us for so long and do nothing to fill the void, it’s only a matter of time before this part of us creeps back in and starts running amuck once again. Addiction therapists refer to this process of simply avoiding a particular behaviour and doing nothing to replace it as a “dead person’s goal”, in that a dead person can achieve it more effectively than a living person.
What is needed is a worthwhile pursuit to replace whatever was previously there. Most people appreciate this, but the challenge comes when we find the initial rewards fall well short of our expectations. Disappointed with the fact that life isn’t immediately a bed of roses after quitting or moderating their intake of mind-altering substances, for example, is one of the main reasons people go straight back to abusing them after a brief period of ownership.
The problem is that we have hardwired our brain to expect immediate gratification, and we’re disappointed when our newfound lifestyle doesn’t instantly give us the satisfaction that our old addictions once did. Anyone who has spent a good chunk of their life equating “happiness” with the simple act of reaching for the bottle or the sugar or the poker machine will typically come to expect the same sort of immediate returns once they stop the destructive behaviour. For such a long time the mantra has been “I want to feel good, now”, but the new habits we introduce to replace the old ones take time to build and to appreciate - the exact opposite of what addiction has trained our brain to seek.
I see this regularly in attendees at SMART Recovery meetings, and this has certainly been my experience in the past. When my idea of “partying” had reached the point where the emphasis had become almost entirely on the inverted commas, I tried a few activities to replace the old habits. Faced with a big slap of boredom and the “Sunday scaries” every weekend, I wandered down to Sydney Park and joined one of the pick-up volleyball games. Remembering this to be one of the few sports I was any good at in school, I thought I’d get involved for hours and walk away grinning from ear-to-ear with some newfound passion. Half an hour later, I was at the pub. This pattern continued with varying degrees of success in a whole bunch of other attempted hobbies, but eventually a few things stuck. Moreover, the more I persisted with them, the greater the rewards over time and the bigger the contrast between the “enjoy now, pay later” mentality became.
So how can you apply this to your benefit? Firstly, remember that any attempt to simply “stop” a particular habit and do nothing to replace it is likely to fail. What we resist, persists. Secondly, it’s worthwhile trying out a whole bunch of new activities to find one that seems appealing enough to invest your time and energy. And thirdly, be patient. For some people, it can take half a lifetime of learning the wrong habits before they take action - it might take a bit of time to unlearn them as well.
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