Have you ever felt like you wanted to broaden your social circle and strengthen your connection to your existing mates, but you didn’t know where to start? I’ve found that reaching out to the community, trying weird things out, and doing new things with old mates is a great way to stay connected.
We need our mates. As Brené Brown famously said, “connection is why we're here. We are hardwired to connect with others, it's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering”. This is backed by endless psychological research, and considering the UN has declared solitary confinement as a form of torture, it’s pretty clear we are social animals who need strong connections to maintain optimal well-being.
With 7 billion people and an endless number of social media platforms and communication devices, you’d expect we’d be more connected than ever. This isn’t the case, and sometimes life or lockdown gets in the way and strips every connection from us in a flash. I’ve found three things to be useful in maintaining this pillar of well-being.
1. Reach out to the community
When I hit rock bottom and moved to Nelson Bay to sort my life out, my plan to “meditate” my way through it fell flat, fast. I spoke to a psychologist who heard my story and referred me to local group therapy. I was resistant at first - I had been clean for a month and didn’t think I needed it (turns out I was wrong there too). But I went along anyway because I had nothing better to do and nothing to lose. I met a bunch of people who were all struggling, just like I was, but they were all there with positive intentions. I knew, on a fundamental level, that the 90 minutes I spent with these people was profoundly important, even if nothing was achieved around solving the problems I was facing (it eventually was). That one link with the outside world was huge, and to this day I’m still good friends with one of the guys I met there.
2. Try weird things out
When I moved back to Sydney, I knew I had to expand my social circle to avoid falling back into old habits. I started checking out this Facebook page called “Sydney Conscious Community”, which I knew was full of events that were drug and alcohol free. I went along to several of these to try new things out and meet new people. Some of these events were great, some of them not really my style, and some of them were completely out there. One of them actually involved a bunch of dudes dancing and embodying “feminine archetypes”. Hands-down the weirdest thing I’ve ever done. Regardless, I met plenty of new people, and some of them turned out to be some of the most caring and supportive people that helped me a lot during a really difficult time.
3. Do new things with old mates
Most of my oldest and strongest friendships are with people who still like to party a lot, and the last thing I ever wanted to become was one of those born-again, self-righteous types that either try to convert people or don’t have time for old mates. So I looked for and found new ways to connect with them. I went along to a few of my mate’s live poetry jams at the Louis Hotel, I bought a $20 football when lockdown hit and started kicking it around the park with another mate, and I started helping a mate out with some landscaping. I got creative and proactive, and actually ended up coming out of isolation better than when I went in.
My suggestion to anyone who is finding it difficult to stay connected is threefold. Firstly, look for things in their community you can be a part of. It doesn’t have to be something as intimate as group therapy, either. You can walk a dog, volunteer somewhere, whatever it might be. Secondly, try new and weird things out. People talk about getting out of your “comfort zone”. I prefer to call it getting out of your “discomfort zone” - there is nothing comfortable about being isolated. Most of what you try won’t stick, and most of the people you meet may not either. But some will. And finally, don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater - you know which of those old friendships are worth maintaining, and it’s up to you to figure out a way to keep them alive.
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