There is a famous Australian song by Cold Chisel called Flame Trees in which a man who is going through a break-up is told the following: “number one is to find some friends to say you’re doing well… number two is the happy hour at one of two hotels… number three is never say her name”. Pretend you’re ok, bury it with booze, don’t talk about it. Brilliant song, terrible advice.
Men generally don’t handle relationship problems or the loss of a loved one well. Research from the Australian Men’s Health Forum shows that conflict, bereavement, and relationship breakdowns are linked to more than half of male suicides, with the latter being the leading contributing factor (2018). While the reasons for this are as endless as they are controversial, the three remedies offered above are typically the way modern men try to manage. I’d like to share what has worked for me in the past to help those going through similar struggles to not only survive, but to re-emerge and thrive as better versions of themselves.
1. Understand and accept what is happening
Start by looking at the reality of what is happening here and accepting what is happening inside of us. When I separated from my partner in 2019, I was shocked at the actual physiological response I went through. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, and I couldn’t function. My heart was racing, my blood pressure was through the roof. Having returned from an outrageous bender in Thailand ten days earlier, I initially thought I was going through some sort of delayed withdrawal symptoms. Knowing the propensity for seizures post-bender withdrawal, I actually checked in to St Vincent’s Hospital and was told in no uncertain terms that if I was going to go through withdrawal it would have happened already. Clearly, I still had some addiction issues to deal with, but this wasn’t the cause this time around. I did some research and later found out that a long-term romantic break-up has been shown to be biochemically similar to heroin withdrawal (Winch, 2017). The reality is this – we are hardwired to develop and sustain meaningful and lasting relationships, and when that need is severed, our brains can go into a severe and prolonged fight-or-flight response. So remember this: whatever you are going through is real, it is perfectly normal, and it too will pass.
2. Speak about it openly
This one’s easier said than done, because let’s be honest – we live in a culture where the measure of a man is still seen as whatever the opposite of “crying over his ex” might look like. While I’ve lost count of the number of men I’ve spoken to who rightly and proudly own their warrior story of beating opiate addictions, I’m yet to meet more than a handful who have spoken from the heart about how excruciating the mental, emotional and physical pain of a break-up is. I spoke about this break-up to more people than I can remember and at greater length than most people probably needed to hear. Not everyone is comfortable bearing this sort of stuff, most people don’t know how to respond, and to be honest, I probably pushed a few people away by doing this. But as trauma and stress expert Gabor Maté likes to say, “what you do not talk about rules your life”.
3. Put as much space between yourself and your ex as possible
To quote from emotional health expert Guy Winch (2007), continued exposure to your ex-partner, even in the form of reminiscing over photographs, is to breakup recovery as methadone is to heroin withdrawal. It may feel like it relieves the pain for a brief period, but it triggers nostalgia, and keeps the mind attached to idealised memories. You're better off going cold turkey. Until you’ve had time to heal, avoid checking their social media, the temptation to call them, or to meet up for a chat. This isn’t about acting cold or childish – it’s about giving yourself the time and space to recover.
4. Use the pain as fuel for growth
A counsellor once said to me that losing someone through a break-up is, in many ways, more emotionally painful than that person dying. On top of the feelings of grief, loss, sadness, anger, and so on, there is the additional feeling that somehow we are broken and insufficient as a human being. While plenty of men will buy into this story and dive into a spiral of self-destruction, I found that channelling the intense emotions into self-improvement was the way forward. I believe the best way you can start is to hit the gym. Research shows that cardiovascular exercise is one of the very best enhancers of the mood-stabilising chemical serotonin (Ilardi, 2009), so not only will you look better, but you will also feel better and release a tonne of the pent-up emotions you’re carrying.
I’ve seen what happens to a lot of men who avoid doing the work when it comes to this sort of stuff. Substance abuse and escapism, lifelong resentment and bitterness, and worse. If you want to avoid these emotional traps, I’d encourage you to instead accept what you’re going through, speak about it, allow for space, and use your pain as fuel for growth.
Drop a comment in the section below – what’s worked for you?
References
Australian Men’s Health Forum. (2018). 10 surprising facts about men’s mental health. 10th October. https://www.amhf.org.au/10_surprising_facts_about_men_s_mental_health
Huston, M. (2019). Divorce is a risk factor for suicide, especially for men. Psychology Today. 30th June. https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/acquainted-the-night/201906/divorce-is-risk-factor-suicide-especially-men
Ilardi, S. (2009). The depression cure: The six-step program to beat depression without drugs. Vermilion.
Winch, G. (2007). How to fix a broken heart. TED Talk. https://www.ted.com/talks/guy_winch_how_to_fix_a_broken_heart/transcript?language=en
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