Have you ever tried counselling and thought “yeah, that’s not for me?”. Good chance you just haven’t found the right one. One of the most common things I hear from people is that they tried counselling once and they didn’t like the person they were seeing, and they haven’t gone back since. My response is to think of it like going to see a doctor. If you went to the doctor with an infection and you were given the wrong prescription, you wouldn’t stop going to a doctor. You’d find a better one, right? Same thing with counselling.
When I was in high school, I remember being sent to the school counsellor a number of times for a variety of “issues”. I don’t remember much about this particular counsellor other than a big shaggy head of hair and beard that led my friends and I to nickname him “Karl Marx”. He wasn’t particularly helpful - he just got frustrated when I didn’t give him the answers he was expecting.
I also saw a psychiatrist when I was 13 who diagnosed me with ADHD. I was put on a dosage of dexamphetamine which didn’t agree with me, followed by a course of Ritalin which didn’t agree with me either. I had no idea, nor do I remember the psychiatrist explaining to me, that not only do different doses work for different people, but there are a bunch of other tools and strategies that someone with ADHD can learn to implement in their life with some professional guidance. It wasn’t until I was 36 that I found a psychiatrist who was able to work with me to find a more appropriate dosage of the medication, along a psychologist and an ADHD life coach who showed me the life skills to implement to live a thriving and meaningful life.
When I was in my twenties and needed help dealing with some substance abuse issues, I visited two different counsellors who I also found to be of limited use. One had just finished her diploma and had no lived experience, and sat there doe-eyed and fascinated by some of the stories I shared, before handing me a bunch of pamphlets and thick booklets to read through. I eventually found a counsellor who works in the addiction space, with whom I connected, who had a world of similar lived experience, and helped guide me towards a better way of living.
When I was in my thirties and struggling with a lot of stress and anxiety at a job I was in, I reached out to the company’s Employee Assistance Program (EAP) which offered employees free and confidential counselling paid for by the company. I walked into the room, sat down, and was greeted by a tall version of Peter Coomb who appeared to have about as much counselling experience. We wasted each other’s time for 45 minutes, before he ended the hour-long session 15 minutes early and handed me his card to spruik his private practice on the side. I requested, and was connected with, another counsellor through the EAP that helped me through the difficult time at work.
Any one of these incidents could have led me to conclude that “counselling isn’t for me”. Instead, what I’ve learned is that often “this counsellor isn’t for me”. The following are some useful tips in finding the right counsellor:
1. Ask someone you trust
Referrals are a reliable source of knowing who to turn to. You can explore the way the therapist works and go in with the confidence knowing something about this person in advance. Just remember that your goals and challenges may be different from the person who is referring you – in which case refer to tip number two.
2. Figure out your goals in advance
Knowing what you want to achieve or what particular issue is challenging you at the moment is important. If your goals are around general stress or relationship challenges, then the therapist may not require specific specialisation (although it does help). If you are looking to managing something specific like ADHD or depression, by contrast, it may help to find someone who specialises in these areas. Let them know in advance what it is specifically you want to address.
3. Notice how you’re feeling during the sessions
If you’re not feeling connected or heard during the sessions, it’s going to be difficult to make any meaningful progress. Noticing how comfortable you feel, and whether or not the therapist listens to you or interrupts you, whether they acknowledge or invalidate your concerns, and whether you feel seen, heard and respected are clear indicators as to whether this is going to be a worthwhile investment of time and/or money
4. Be patient
Finding the right therapist can be a bit like going on a blind date – they seem to be a good match when you hear about them, but then when you meet them in person something just doesn’t click. But like the dating world, you don’t just give up! Keep searching until you find on that you connect with, who you feel is on the same page, and who you feel is a good match.
Finding the right counsellor can be tedious and frustrating at times. But just like in the dating world, there is someone for everyone.
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